Sunday, December 7, 2008

My Journey through My Nether Lands....

***Warning: This post uses every possible euphemism I could think of regarding a delicate subject, reader discretion is advised.***

I know there are a few intrepid folks out there who read me on a regular basis. Perhaps you have wondered where I have been all this time. Perhaps not. But, rest assured, I am expected to live - despite my almost 2 weeks in the 7th circle of hell. I started this post a full week ago, but have been unable to finish it until now.

On December 1st, I had a surgical procedure technically termed a hemorrhoidectomy. It is known by many names in my house now - but I like to call it "Extreme Makeover - Butt Edition." Now, in my almost 44 years, I have been pregnant for about 28 months (though not in a row), had three c-sections, exploratory laparoscopy, my gall bladder removed, a form of tendonitis repaired in my left wrist, nodules removed from my vocal cords (which required NO TALKING AT ALL for a solid week), and a few more minor procedures, including two colonoscopies. NONE of these ranks anywhere near to the horror and torture I have experienced in the past two weeks. I am not exaggerating in any way.

I have discussed my butt by now with a number of perfect strangers, so I don't mind so much sharing here now. I had hemorrhoids. Sometimes there was blood where blood shouldn't be. Oftentimes they hurt. I developed a little known instrument of torture called an anal fissure. This made me cry a lot, especially when sitting, most especially when sitting and driving. None of this was life threatening, but it was unpleasant. Thus far, none of this seems worth the awful recovery from my surgery.

I went in last Monday knowing that the recovery would be somewhat painful. The rest of the day was fine, because I was still pretty numb. Day 2 the pain started, but I was also sore all over from what must have been some serious body contortions during the procedure. Thank God I opted for general anesthesia. Day 3, it became apparent that I may never naturally use the bathroom again. I was instructed to drink some magnesium citrate and call the next day. T ran out to the store to get this vile potion, and I am glad I only drank half of the bottle. Within an hour, it produced my first post surgery "activity," and I think I passed out for a brief moment. I feel sure that the neighbors heard my screaming, but were too afraid to call the police. I cried some, soaked in the tub, and doubled up on the percocet. On Day 4, I called the surgeon and requested that she take a look at my nether regions, because there was no way I could have escaped unscathed. I was wrong. She said it looked great - yippee. From then on, it became my goal to avoid complications in the "regularity" department. I ate a lot of cereal and simple food. And then the spasms began.

For one solid week, I spent my time either in bed, on the potty, or soaking in the tub. The spasms in my lower abdomen would last for hours after each time I went to the bathroom. It was torture. I read every catalog T could bring to me in the tub. I checked homework from the tub. I slept when the pain stopped. I stopped eating altogether. I sent the baby to my brother's because I still couldn't pick her up. When she had to come back, I hired a babysitter to play with her while I slept or writhed in pain. I started to cry a lot - mostly from exhaustion and frustration. The spasms were like dry heaves, but from the opposite end. The pain was excrutiating. I was too sick to play with my kids in the only snow they may see in years. On Saturday, I told T that I was going to have to go to the hospital. I was getting so weak. I put another call into the surgeon....

The doctor on call returned my call right away. I swear he saved me - at least my Christmas and maybe my marriage! He told me the spasms were common and to stop the percocet and switch to a regimen of ibuprofen. He also said to add in some xantac to fight the sour stomach and diarrhea. IT WORKED WITHIN HOURS!!!!!

Things are still not perfect, but I managed to go out with Dubya yesterday and drive Big D to a birthday party. Today we decorated the Christmas tree and shopped for decorations! I even did laundry! Oh, and I ate some food! I cannot tell you how great it is to re-enter the land of the living!

So, if you got this far - thanks for sticking with me! You now know more about me than you ever wanted to. I will try to catch up with everyone as soon as I can sit long enough. I see some have stopped by looking for my sorry self. So, now you know.... the journey through my own personal nether lands....


  1. That's a great blog, but it's loading a little slow. You should take a internet speed test to check it. Does this load slow for anyone else???

    Free Internet Speed Test

  2. Yeah, I'll get right on that.....