Tuesday, April 21, 2009

The 7 Things I Hate About You..... Dubya's Turn

So, in the interest of fairness, I now present Dubya's version of the 7 things.... quirks, habits, annoyances, idiosyncrasies....

  1. You change your clothes more often than Kate Moss during Fashion Week. It's not the fashion, so much. It's an itchy tag here, a sleeve too long there.... You make me need to buy stock in Tide.
  2. You were born in 2003, which means you began to talk sometime in 2004. That's at least 5 years of hearing your voice - non-stop. You absolutely never stop talking. There should be a Guinness World Book entry for this, but I don't think there is.
  3. All that talking? It's done at a decibel level that could rival a Metallica concert. When you try, you can break glass with that voice. When you're not trying, you're still loud. One day you will understand why I spend so much time playing the "Whisper Game."
  4. You rarely spend an entire night in your own bed, which is probably the only reason you and your brother have managed to share a room this long. You always crawl in with Dad and me. And then you shove your icicle feet under various parts of me to warm them up. Talk about a rude awakening!
  5. The icy feet belie the real you. Sleeping next to you is like sleeping under a moving electric blanket. Lately, I've been waking up in a sweat. I thought it was early menopause, but then I realized you were next to me each time. Of course, it might help if you did not wrap yourself around me in a full body nocturnal hug.
  6. I am not allowed to throw anything away, especially anything your hands have touched. You actually dig through the trash to make sure no masterpiece has slipped through. My fridge is often covered with crumpled up Dubya artwork that you have rescued after it "accidentally" got in the trash. By the same token, I can only throw broken or old toys away when you are not home. The sound of clanking plastic alerts you to a possible infraction on my part. You are positively apoplectic at the thought of our impending garage sale.
  7. And, lastly, you love to sing, but I am pretty sure you are tone deaf. You also love to dance, but I'm pretty sure you have your father's sense of rhythm, which means none at all. This is not particularly annoying, except when you try to play the drums on Guitar Hero. I am always reaching over with my hand and hitting a drum to the beat so that y'all don't get booed off the stage. I mean, I'm sure you're mine, but this trait definitely did not come from my side of the family.

Phew! I feel better. You are my crazy, funny child. My biggest challenge in many ways, and my sweetest reward. You have an incredible future ahead of you, Sweet Boy - but it's definitely not on American Idol! Love you, Mom

Saturday, April 18, 2009

The 7 Things I Hate About You.....

Look, having kids is an adventure. You really never know what to expect every day. You have one kid, and you think you know what the hell you're doing after a while. Then, perhaps, you add to the chaos by having more. It is at this point you realize you have no earthly idea how to parent. I mean, who knew they'd all have personalities and differences and preferences and be, ya know, INDIVIDUALS? I mean, give a mom a break! I can't remember how I like my own latte at Starbucks, much less which kid likes Wendy's chicken nuggets, but not their fries, or that one kid likes his clothes a little on the small side and another wants to swim in his.....

So, sometimes, they annoy me. The quirks and quibbles. The things I call "idiosyncrasies" when I am being generous. It's easy to make list after list of things I love about them, but today - after 10 days of Spring Break which, for me, included NOT ONE SECOND ALONE, I give you....

The 7 Things I Hate (or strongly dislike) About You - the P3 version
  1. For whatever reason, you refuse to remain clothed, especially when company is over. Please tell me this is not a harbinger of your future profession.
  2. You tell me at least 20 times a day that you have pooped when you haven't. And it's usually in your emergency voice - the one you would use if napalm were burning your butt. Of course, there's rarely anything there.
  3. You like to pull your brothers' hair - a lot. And, rather than just pull, you grip their hair in your fat little hand and hold on like a pit bull on a shih tzu - all the while grinning like something out of The Omen.
  4. When you are finished with anything in your reach, you throw it - HARD. Sippy cup, bowl of spaghetti, spoon, cell phone, remote control. Once this week you just barely missed a poor old lady at Chili's with your spoon....
  5. You have the same unintelligible word for like four different things. Deciphering what you want at any given time can leave us both like quivering, whimpering pools of frustration.
  6. You like to sing yourself lullabies while we rock to sleep. However, you do this at the top of your lungs, thus eliminating any calming factor it might have. LA, LA, LAAAAH!! LA, LA, LAAAH!!! If I close my eyes, I see you at a long table, holding your beer stein high while swaying back and forth with a couple of old guys in Lederhosen....
  7. And, lastly.... Your favorite phrase.... "AHHH DOOOO!" This means you want to do it yourself - no matter what. And, while I recognize that this is a normal and essential developmental stage, you simply cannot drive yourself to the grocery to get your own juice. Having a meltdown about it will not change that. It's the law!
I love you, Little Bit. Everything. Always!